Well here I am nearly two months into this deal and I do apologize for not blogging. I was so excited about this trip that I created my blog far in advance of coming here and told everyone to check it, but I haven’t kept up with it. Right now I’m in the midst of changing positions in the levels of culture shock. I finished with the initial homesickness I previously mentioned and now I am entering a stage where I’m beginning to feel very connected to this place and people. I’m beginning to feel that people at home, specifically my family, are not able to understand what I am going through here…especially since I am the first person in my family to live abroad.
There have been too many ups and downs to recount them to you, but I am desperately trying to find a balance. I just started reading Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer today and I felt one of the opening quotes from Tolstoy describes what has propelled me into my current status: “I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.”
After a turbulent, emotional weekend, I find myself calm and content, but alone and trying to ignore that thing in the back of my mind anxiously waiting for the next incident. Cultivating relationships here is becoming more complex than I anticipated as I am realizing the vastness of what I have yet to learn. Being a foreigner living here in Iquitos is really emotionally taxing because it seems I will always be a target for gossips and opportunists. I’m sure after spending years here, people learn to cope. But for now, I am just emotionally exhausted. Not to say I don’t love other aspects of living here. I try to avoid thinking about what will happen when September comes and the semester is over.
I was recently talking with a woman from Oregon who lived here in Iquitos for a year and absolutely loved it. We were talking about the differences between direct and indirect cultures and needless to say I am learning how to decipher an indirect culture, which becomes even more difficult in an amorous relationship. I’m also learning that I need to give up this feeling that I need to be in control of everything happening to me; a feeling common amongst Americans. The woman from Oregon and I spoke of linguistic differences between Spanish and English and how a language can reflect the thought processes of the speakers. When you learn a new language, you are also changing your thought processes. In English, “I” is capitalized, but not you or he or she, whereas Spanish does not capitalize any pronouns. English makes the individual the most important thing. We choose our destiny. In contrast, Spanish uses many reflexive verbs indicating things happening to a person. For example, in English we say “I like it” but in Spanish we say “it pleases me.” So, things happen from the outside in, and people learn to accept things for what they are (or how they are perceived to be) and not to question how they are made to feel.
Well, this blog is becoming more of a diary since I haven’t told you what activities I have been up to. I’m continuing my classes as usual at the University. I also have private classes four days per week with a couple who are both doctors studying to take to TOEFL. They need to pass the exam in order to attend a Master’s program at the University of Washington. I really enjoy those classes because I can tailor my class to their needs and I have already seen a lot of improvement, which made me so proud! Not to mention that they are paying me a good wage which offsets my unpaid volunteer work for the University. It’s actually illegal for me to be earning money with my visa, but I need it of course! A couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to work with kids which was really fulfilling. The rotary club here was sponsoring some doctors from the US who came to do free public clinics. There were two doctors that came specifically to work with hearing impaired children, which is the project I helped with. I was just there for translation and coordination purposes, but it was wonderful to be able to see their work which is going to be invaluable to these kids’ lives. Each child received hearing aids molded to their ears and a year’s supply of batteries. I think the rotary will do the same sort of project next year. A good number of the kids were able to hear for what was probably the first time in their life. Unfortunately, some of the children did not benefit from the hearing aids and there was nothing the doctors could do for them.
This past weekend I went outside the city for the first time on this trip (which was much overdue). I spent the day with a missionary group at an orphanage where they were also building a new church. The kids sang songs and watched a movie telling about the life of Jesus. I have some conflicting feelings with missions in developing countries and can write a separate blog about that (perpetuating the colonial relationship, etc.), but regardless, I hope the orphanage will be a good thing. For me, it was a nice chance to get out of the noise of the city and spend the day with smiling kids. I also ate Guava for the first time, which is something different than we are used to in the states. It is a long green pod about 1 meter long which you open to reveal a sweet white pulp. Delicious!
That’s all I have for today, but I did handwrite something to put here almost a month ago. I’ve finally gotten around to typing it, so here it is:
13 June 2008
In Iquitos, the Counting Crows on VH1, commentary in Castellano, text books strewn across my bed. I’ve been here one month and I’m asking myself ‘what am I learning?’ This experience was meant to be an exploration in which I threw myself into the unknown and uncomfortable to see what is spit out. It’s been a month already –time is passing me quickly and I’m seeing just how valuable it is. When planning this trip I thought 5 months was an impressive amount of time, but now I see it slips away so easily—melts like Dali’s time. While each moment is precious, it is also only that: a moment. It’s gone as quickly as it came and its significance is simultaneously grand and miniscule.
So, what am I learning? I’m learning that a moment is just that. I’m learning how to spend those moments alone facing myself. I’m building a relationship and learning how I always try to break them down—how I run away from trusting people and therefore allowing myself to be vulnerable. I’m seeing that the grass might be different, but not necessarily greener. People have said that leaving your country lets you see how fortunate you are in your own place. I’m seeing that it’s not the physical lacking, changes or "underdevelopment," but those empty spaces in the heart that bring one back to their own country.
I’m someone that fancies the thought of being a nomad—and indeed I have practiced that lifestyle for the past years. Perhaps not nomadic, but serial faux-permanence in the same sense that most people practice serial monogamy. Though serial monogamy is common, I feel it’s a personal flaw—and perhaps every serial monogamist could feel so since we are so trained to believe in “one true love.”
Although it may not seem so to those I left behind for this adventure, I’m discovering that I am actually heavily dependent on routine, familiarity, planning and predictability. When situations, things or people defy my personal definition of reliable (reliability being based on the things mentioned above), I close down. I’ve spent too much time trying to punish people for breaking my “rules” instead of taking the altered situation given to me and creating a new plan. I’m learning that I need to let outside influences affect my life’s journey and influence how I change/grow as a person, but not jeopardize my personal values—my core being.
Though very few people really know their core being apart from the innumerable outside influences of the world, we can recognize when that core being is content or conflicted. We can see when it is healthy and extending that light to others, or when it has been compromised and retract into itself. Since last December, my core being was closed, lost within myself and as a result I hurt people around me. I am beginning to learn how to listen to my core being again and allow it to emanate warmth and goodness again. In order to do this, I also need to allow myself to see the warmth an beauty others project to me instead of only catching their flaws in my filter. That is a sure way to lose them. I’ve got to learn to trust again and not be scared that someone could be as terrible as I have been. In addition, I’ve got to learn t trust myself again. I’ve got to forgive myself and give all I’ve got to those good souls still standing next to me.
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